7th of December, this is the time for looking back at the year. I love my year 2013, a great year, like a great wine, a great taste, great moments, I learned so much this year.
As every year, and sometimes every month, every week or every day, I try to remember my best moments. What was the best moment of 2013?
It is interesting to have a few months of distance, to judge if it was or not a good moment. Sometimes, you watch a movie, and you like it but a few months later, you already forgot about it, when some other movies, are unforgettable or become even more important for you after a few months.
If I think about my favor movie 2013 the only one I can remember instantly, it is The life of pi. I saw this movie on the plane, it pissed me off to not have seen this movie in 3 D on a big screen. It was so incredibly powerful on the plane already, but I would have liked to discover it in 3D on big screen. I might never be able to watch at this movie on big screen in 3D. And it is more and more the way producers are making us moving our ass from our sofa, yes baby, you can watch this movie on your sofa, or on the plane or on your computer, but if you want to be in the dream, if you want to enjoy fully, so you have to move your little bottom, and to pay for your ticket…
So, yes it piss me off to have missed this movie on big screen and 3 D, and it is the only movie I can remember so easily, so precisely.
I liked Django, and I saw it really very wonderfully, it was in Dubai Marina, at one o’clock at night, in the beautiful half private comfortable room, for such a cheap price for this so comfortable huge sofa, and I was nearly the only one to watch this movie so late. A good one. My favor Tarantino so far.
I can remember those two movies, Life of Pi instantly and Django at the second place, and that’s it, after it is the black out. I liked the movie about Google as well, but nothing to be compared with Life of Pi and Django, a fun movie, introducing me to the Google real world. I would have liked this kind of job for sure in another life.
Well, so that’ it, 3 movies.
If I could record my life, what are the moments I would like to keep somewhere on a DVD, and that I would like to watch again and again? And what are the moments I would like to erase. In fact, for the moments to be erased, that’s find, nothing traumatic enough this year, to be erased. Maybe one week in Istanbul with a crazy bunch of people but I learned from it, so it should not be erased, but for sure, not a nice moment to remember. Well yes, there are maybe 3 or 4 moments I could erase easily. Not the kind of moments, I like to think about.
But what moments would I choose to keep in mind, to cherish, to record and to live again and again?
I would like so much, and every year it is the same, to be able to think instantly of friendship moments, work moments, spiritual moments (sometimes it happened to me that my spiritual life was superior in intensity, joy and pure pleasure than my terrestrial life), but well, not this year, I can not remember any strong spiritual experience beside this wonderful feeling of protection, providence, and little miracles of life, I had so many protections, helps, so many blessings.
But well, beside that, the moments, I like to remember as nearly every year are … , I would like to be able to use the adjective; romantic, but it is not the case all the time. So what would I record? What would I keep?. What would I like to re-live again?
In January, a few minutes I can remember very well, and that I would like to be able to record, but just those few minutes, maybe 10 minutes max, maybe 5. Maybe twenty. Or half an hour, max. I would like to be able to live this kind of intensity more often in my life. It was a long time I did not have it.
Ten days later in another town it is a moment when my eyes just looked so deep in some one eyes, that it was like diving. We were not alone, it was a few seconds. It was the perfect moment, rare moment, I would like to live every day with different type of people. It was a soul moment. It was not so clear in my mind but now when writing, it helps me to think, and yes it is this precise moment. When I dived, and it is as if I could feel again the sun on my skin, the smell of the air, the energy, perfect energy.
In the first town, I never had this diving moment, this soul connection, but in the second town, I did not have this moment of non judgment, when you just choose to let go, and it is like being on a slide with soap on it. It goes fast and you just do not have the choice of anything anymore. And at the end, you arrive in a big warm swimming pool and you just laugh. Well, the laughing moment was not there, and the swimming pool was cold. I would record just the first half an hour, the sliding moment before the swimming pool because the arrival part was not a nice one. I was shivering without any warm towel, and I caught the flu and after I spent ten days sneezing and coughing, with a terrible fever. So i would record just half an hour but I would say 5 great minutes, I guess if I could live it again, so I could edit it, and cut, and I would choose even the best moments of the half an hour and it would make a few great minutes.
In February, there is nothing I would really record.
In March, I would record a moment on the bus, an exchange of looks, and after a diner, really perfect, and after that, I would record the first 3 minutes maybe of a precise moment. It was in Turkey.
In April, I would record nothing.
In May, I would record nothing.
In June, I would record a lot of different moments, it would ask me a lot of editing, but I am not sure I would like to live those moments again, I am not sure, I would play them again and again. Because I felt lonely inside.
In August, I would record a few minutes of joy and peace. And after I would edit, and it would be another moment. But I felt anxious inside and maybe a little lonely too, so I am not so sure I would play it again.
In August. It was not sexual. It was an energy. A connection. I would record half an hour, but I would edit I guess, a gesture, I remember very well.
In September, I would not record anything.
In October, I would record a very precise moment, of lightness, complicity, and pure happiness. I would record half an hour and would put it on my shelves for my old days.
In November, I would not record anything. Nothing to be recorded yet in December either.
Now I am not fair, I am sure there would be hundred of moments, that would worth being recorded. Yes.
But in my little game, I have maybe the right to record only one hour or two hours of 2013, so I have to pick up the best moments, and to choose the ones, I would like to replay for my old days or for next year. I would put in it, I guess if I would have enough time on the DVD, some moments of good laugh between friends, of nice talking between friends.
But let us be honest, those moments I think off, like every year, like since I am a teenager, are moments not romantic, to say it was romantic would not really describe the reality of the moment, not erotic, because it is not always sexual or erotic, so I don’t know I am searching in French the right word and cannot find it either. Sensual is not the right word. I would pick up the word; intensity. Intense moments. When you feel more alive. Moments that you remember more deeply. Moments that in fact, your brain recorded, chose to record, did not forget. And might never forget. The moment you will remember in your old days. The moments that make you think that yes, 2013 was a great year.
The moments I remember right away, like I can remember right away my favor movies, so my favor moments, my favor minutes.
The moments that I already replayed a lot in my mind this year. Some more than others.
9th December 2013 ad,
Knowing, that to not suffer, I have erased already, 99% of the good moments spent in 2013.
If I would like to replay some moments of my life, I would choose some hours when I was 16 years old, some hours, when I was 19, or 21, or some hours when I was 25 or older, it is the first moments I think about. And yes, they were romantic moments, with young men as I am hetero.
But the moments, I would like first to replay, would be, the moments spent with my grand mother, with my aunt, with my brother. This is the moments I would like to replay.
But happily, in a certain way, our brain keeps in mind, sometimes very clearly a lot of details, I kept in mind very well my grand mother’s voice, and the aromas, her house, the garden, and every time I think about it, I have tears in my eyes, like now.
When I was sharing those times, with her, in her house, I knew, it would be difficult for me to go over it, I did not know how difficult it would be. But I was afraid of the time when I would lose her, when I would lose the house, and my childhood in the same time.
I never think about my parents that way. It is a little sad for them, a little unfair maybe. Or very fair. I don’t know.
I had another grand mother, and she was very nice, but I remember when she was upset, or nervous, it is certainly unfair, or very fair. I don’t know.
Is our memory, the work of our memory through the years, fair or unfair? I don’t know.
Am I fair or unfair this year, for the moments erased or kept? I don’t know.
And in a certain way, I don’t care.
The magic of our brain, its perfection, is that it keeps the memory, but like a painter recreates it, in its own way. Through the filters of our emotions, of our pains, and for our survival.
The brain keeps the memory, but does it to help us to go on, to survive, and to not get stuck too much in the past.
If we could record our best moments, like a music, or a film, and would be able to replay it, I guess we would end, killing ourselves, or dying of despair. We would never be able to turn the page, to move on, to grow up.
We would get stuck in the past.
So yes, 2013 was a great intense year, but now it is about, 2014.
Even if right now, I would like to stay in 2013, and 2014, appears to me, like a dark place, like a boring place, like a lonely place. Without any good reasons for this. Just a feeling. An anxiety. A desire to replay 2013 and to not have to go on. To not have to get older maybe as well.
But how was I feeling 2013 in December 2012?
I remember having thought very clearly, it could be the calm before the storm.
If someone would have described me 2013, no way, I would have believed it.
I would have laughed, and I would have thought that this person was a total lunatic.
Because 2013, had been so far away, from everything I have been before.
I am in a certain way, a totally new human being. I am incredibly different than one year ago.
I cannot even recall who I was in December 2012. And I am not sure I would like even to remember who I was.
I would not replay 2012, even if it was not a bad year. I would not replay either 2011. I would no replay 2010. I would replay some hours in 2009.
I would not replay 2008. I would not replay 2007. I would replay maybe a little 2006, 2005 and . 2004, 2003. Not 2002. I would replay 2001 some hours linked to a very precise spiritual moment. Exactly 20 minutes.
Well, so it goes on like this. 2013 was a great year, because I feel to record it, and to replay it. On this level, it is a success.