Couchsurfing Sai Baba and the 40 rapists

I named this blog Couchsurfing memories and in the same time Cannibal islands two years ago even if in fact, I nearly did not talk at all about Couchsurfing.

After 2 years using Couchsurfing, this simple words Cannibal islands resumes perfectly my feeling as a woman using Couchsurfing.

It is unfair to say that the experience had been bad all the time, as I met so many rare and wonderful friends, it has opened my mind. Couchsurfing and Hospex sites are as much important for me as the humanitarian associations are.

And in those humanitarian associations it is the same, it can be the big mess.

A friend volunteered for the Red Cross and told me how sad he had been to have his superior acting in a very racist way, it was in Afghanistan. He came back disgusted, made a report but the guy remained in place because protected.

I had covered the fees University for 4 years for a young Ethiopian man who had been raped by a volunteer at Terre des Hommes, a charity organization. I respected Terre des hommes and pedophilia is not something you can pretend to be protected from. But the way they handled the situation was awful. They gave 1000 USD to each child, no therapy if I remember well, those kids had been left alone and they obtained this poor amount after some white people in place hired a lawyer and fought for years to have those low compensations being paid.  I read now this article and discover other scandals in India. I guess in the two cases the rapists were white men and the victims young Indian children. I have to check it but I guess it is the problem. In Ethiopia the rapist was a white English teacher.  I contacted at that time Mr Jill Campbell who was a hero to me.

So I could not help the 20 children having been raped who were at that time starting university. I started to cover for one year University to study psychology for a young man who had been referred to me for his seriousness, and after he changed his mind and graduated in law.

However, the last month he was mad at me because I did not buy him something, had not been really grateful, never gave me any news after that. I had covered the price of the books, the University fees, the mobile phone and a lot of other stuff, and that month I was really struggling not being able to pay for something else.

He did not thank me at all, just vanished, however, he really graduated.

I never met him in real life.

I think I have lost his email, I do not know what happened to him.

The same kind of troubles occurred when I decided to help a doctor who gave all his money in Tibet. He was a young American doctor and I decided to sell pashmina shawls to help him. I sold hundred. I met an American Buddhist monk in Katmandu who had told me about this doctor’s situation. I came back a few times in Nepal to buy those shawls. I was coming back from Tibet and had been petrified of the situation of the Tibetans, Lhassa having been destroyed at 80% at that time, 90% now, 300 Tibetan monks having been killed with a machine gun in their temple six months before I visited it and 300 being jailed and tortured, most of them certainly dead as well. The temple was empty when I visited it, and on the Tibetan paintings, the face of Mao had been painted over.

Unfortunately, the young doctor seemed mad at me, and accused me of being responsible for the death of tortured goats. He did not seem to know the difference between pashminas made with silk and cashmere wool and shahtoosh made with those rare goats, it is forbidden to sell those shahtoosh I never bought one and would not have risked to be jailed in my country to sell them just to help a doctor working in Tibet plus I am vegetarian anyway since always.

With the money I made from those pashminas I helped as well a friend from Rwanda, who asked me the money urgently to save some children from her country, she was a respected social worker, I gave her 5000 USD, she disappeared with the money. Never knew what happened. She laughed on the phone when I asked her if she gave it or not, 6 months after she still had not given it when she had told me it was an emergency.

I helped other people with this money that I raised from my pashminas but had not really been thanked. I gave 100% percent of the money and gave money of my own pocket in the all process.

But the life is sending you back and I meet so often great people.

There is the will for idealism, and there is the reality behind.

Couchsurfing and Hospex communities are for me a real shift in the world where we do live.

Those hospitality websites are important on a social level, they do have the power to change the way we look at a community.

However, the little devils, that are sex, money and other stuff, will always try the most they can to destroy the idea.

How can we prevent those things to happen?

We cannot. We will never prevent negativity to exist until the all humanity would be transmuted in an illuminated monk or something equivalent. We are not saints, that is the point.

And some saints ideas can be distorted and even destroyed.

However it is not because some rotten people do exist in the Red Cross that the Red Cross or the humanitarian activities should be stopped. It is not because Terre des hommes has fucked up that the all idea of Terre des hommes is fucked up.

I remember having read an article about Sathya Sai Baba who had been accused of having sexually abused a lot of young boys. I was astonished and curious to know the truth when I met a short time after having read the article called Sai Baba et les 40 violés (in French, voleur thief and one who had been raped violé), a man working in a holistic shop.

I asked him what he thought about the article which had been written in a holistic magazine he was selling.

He answered me that his parents took him to Sai Baba when he was 14 years old, and that Sai Baba pretending to open up his first chakra, gave him a blow job or something like that.

He had been shocked and kept him for himself for long.

It is not easy to talk about the Red Cross problems with people working at the Red Cross.

It is not easy working at Terre des hommes to admit there are rapists and that the compensations had been a joke.

It is not easy to admire Sai Baba and to accept the idea of Sai Baba giving blow jobs to young kids.

It is not easy for me for example to observe Obama being in power for so long now and to observe he nearly did not change anything for the black people waiting in the death corridor, without any DNA tests having been done, when we know that in United States everything is about having or not the power to hire an expensive lawyer. this lawyer named Acquitator is of course against the idea to reopen the files.

Obama did not change that. It would have been so easy and so cheap, to say, Ok guys, all the people waiting in the death corridor will have the right to get the most DNA tests they can, automatically, when now you need to have free lawyers and associations fighting for your case for years and years to get those DNA tests and sometimes they never succeed to get those tests being done.

It has been said that half of the black people waiting in the death corridor were  innocent. One day in jail costs 500 USD and DNA test maybe 1000, maybe more but nothing compare to the cost of an innocent being jailed for 20 years and to leave a guilty person out of jail.

In France we have a lawyer  who said everywhere on TV, in books, that for him, one day in jail for his clients is too much for him. The problem is that, if I am right, he never defended a victim but nearly always murderers and rapists, pedophiles, etc.

In France, a lawyer has to swear on a code of deontology, and a lawyer does not have for mission to help a guilty person to be declared innocent but to help in the process of  justice. What was a great idea, to propose a lawyer for a rapist or for a murderer, has been distorted.

A lawyer is there to help the justice to be done.

But it is not what is happening.

This man should not be allowed to be a lawyer anymore if he thinks that his mission is to not make his clients being jailed when they are guilty as he does not seem to perceive his clients as innocent, he said that the guiltiness of his clients is not that important at the end.

However, he is still respected because more your clients are guilty and you made them avoiding jail more you are respected as a brilliant lawyer.

Once again, it is a beautiful idea, the idea of justice, being nearly destroyed.

In Canada I read that a couple who had murdered young girls in the most awful ways had been released from jail after 15 years behind bars. They were called the Barbie and Ken because blond and good looking.

So in one country you have poor black people being in the death corridor for one murder they never committed, and in the other country you have a guilty couple, who has been condemned for the murders of young girls, who had been released because this country does not have any death penalty and is very tolerant toward murderers.

The idea of justice does not really exist.

Same for the age of sexual majority. In Spain it has been fixed at 13 years old, in Germany at 14 years old, in France at 15, Switzerland 16, United States 18 years old.

So an adult is considered as a pedophile  depending of the country he lives in.

And if the person was 16 years old less one day, the adult is a pedophile or not the Monday or the Tuesday.

It is a non sense. As the consent of the young person is very important and the all situation has to be examined for each case.

I am not attracted with very young men, but I remembered having been harassed and even slapped in the face by a 13 years old kid, who wanted to kiss me at night in the street, I did not know him, it was six years ago in Morocco. I remember one day walking my dog at night, and a teenager masturbating in front of me, it was nine years ago in Switzerland. One was Moroccan, the other one a Swiss blond, they were both cute, the blond one was looking like a model.

I am not attracted with teenagers but if I would have been so I would have been considered as the dominant person abusive.

Not that simple.

So slowly I will talk about this beautiful idea of Couchsurfing and what happened to this beautiful idea.

You cannot prevent a beautiful idea to be exposed to darkness. You cannot erase from the planet rapists and dangerous people.

But the way you handle the situation, is what makes you being judged at the end.

The catholic church is not badly judged to have catholic pedophiles priests, but to have hidden and protected them for years.

Not easy to talk about those topics with radical Catholics.

And on Couchsurfing, it is sometimes the same, it is not easy to talk about safety issues with Couchsurfing, or with the users of Couchsurfing. It is becoming slowly a kind of sect, with people fighting for an idea without facing a certain reality and Couchsurfing acting more and more like the 3 little monkeys, deaf, blind and silent in front of the abuses face by women all over the world every day when using this website and the danger they can meet.

Only 10% of women being raped are going to court or to the police, and on Couchsurfing it seems to be the same.

The women remain silent, scared and the abusers more and more in a powerful position.

I will explain why with precise details being given in the next articles.

Can a machine being more effective than drugs?


A few weeks ago, I have been in a medical fair. I was visiting there a friend pharmacist, my first CS host two years ago. But as well I was there for my own purpose, to look at what was new and interesting in the medical field.

I tested a lof machines but one really caught my attention. It is a machine to help to reduce the epilepsy episodes. I had been living for 5 years with my epileptic aunt who could have a few crises a day. She was the most important person in my childhood as the one the most in charge of me. She was one of the human being I cared the most for. So for me every time I see improvements in the epilepsy medical field, I am more than interested even she died ten years ago.

So I found this machine, and tried it right away. They were saying it could as well help autism, depression, etc.. Usually the session lasts half an hour, they did it to me only a few minutes.

After, during the day, I forgot about this machine completely. I went on with my routine. But suddenly I said to myself: I have no idea what I did today to feel so great. I have never felt so perfectly joyful.

Was it this machine to fight depression?

Later in my day in this fair, I met a Saudi VIP, I had been his student in Riyadh for a short training course. I did not remember it first. Just his face looked familiar to me. He was fun and clever, dressed with the traditional Saudi white summer abaya and red and white ghutra on his head.

So unexpectedly, we had a lot of common interests together in this fair. I was pleased to meet someone as curious as I was, but in the same time, someone having the budget to buy all this and to bring it in hospitals.

So he tried this machine, he tried a lot of others machines.

We had met in front of the machine for sexual improvement. I wanted to try it of course, but we started to talk and laugh in front this machine and so I forgot to try it and he did not try it either. I regretted it afterwards, but if I would have tried this one, so I would have thought my joy of the day could have been linked to this one.

It was a mysterious machine, for sexual problems for men, for women orgasms, and a lot more all this connected to the urinary system, etc. You just had to sit, and there was a kind of magnetic wave, and that’s it. Cannot tell you more about that.

So this man tried all the machines and after, during the evening, he called me and I joined him to smoke a shisha, not that I like so much smoking shisha but well. And that was it, nothing happened it was just friendly, we shared an excellent pizza.

He talked a lot about how for him it was important to smile, that he was always careful in his job, to always give a happy face, and to be positive, to look at the bright side of life, to value people around him. To not be a negative boss always criticizing the team work, etc.

The thing is when I met him, I had been on this machine to make you happy, a few minutes before, I must have been a little euphoric, and I guess he liked my energy at that time. The evening I was normal again, means just normal, and so he must have been disappointed in me.

This feeling of deep happiness lasted only for the afternoon, but at night this feeling had disappeared. Not that I was depressed or anything, I was just being more normal.

On Facebook one week ago, a friend of mine, said that depression now was healed with magnets, and even him, told me that at his hospital they already had magnets therapies.

He tried this machine and might have felt wonderful if he had the same after effects, he did not tell me anything about it, and maybe did not feel anything.
We tried the same kind of machines as well on our back, legs, everywhere, to relax the muscles, to heal the back. He had a little pain in the back, so I brought him there for this as well. For the back it is really great.
So this is it. What is happiness?

Some people take drugs to reach happiness. I do not take drugs; I do not think cannabis brought anything positive and good to the people around me. It makes them lose their memory; it makes them irascible when they do not have it. I do not think it makes them even calmer. No, cannabis is not great, maybe for the pain killing it is good, but for the mind it is bad for what I have observed around me. It makes my friends being passive in life, not active enough. I do not like my friends on cannabis.

For this the Middle Est where I am, Is great for me, as it is a drug free place. Within 3 years I never met anyone on drug here. What a relief compare to my life in London… Where I had even friends hooked on crack, heroin, and I had to save them in clinic where they were dying.

What a horrible country for this UK, for drugs. I saw women in Manchester peeing in front of bars, opening their legs and peeing. Young girls. Getting drunk and vomiting on the streets is very common in UK.

So for this I appreciate the life in this part of Middle Est. Weirdly, I am not for a strict prohibition of drugs, but more for a liberalization of drugs, but so I can see the results of laxist laws, people are stuck on drugs very easily. When you cannot find drugs, so there is no temptation. What is the solution to all this? Right now there is no solution being found nowhere.

Two days ago, I went in a Ladies night, and in this part of the Middle Est, there are a lot of Ladies nights, it means free drinks for ladies. I could have had 6 cocktails. Took only 2 which is my max. I would say usually I take just one glass of kind of champagne in those ladies night and give the ticket for the second glass to a friend of mine or to an unknown lady at a table. Did the same this time gave it to nice Filipina ladies at my table.

In this bar last night, I felt incredibly free. It was two days ago.

I had a normal day, nothing special. I had worked a little, it has been very positive, a very good energy. And so, I thought I will go to this Ladies night because it is a few minutes’ walk from my building. It was 8’clock in the evening.

I arrived in this huge Irish bar, crowded with ladies. A lot of Asian girls, some air hostess as usual, mostly from UK, a lot of young girls looking like the Twilight actress, pale, and in their thoughts, looking at the Scottish band without any reaction.
When I arrived, there was this music, nearly right away. It is a famous new song, but I did not know it. And the rhythm, the wave of love hit me. I was nearly the only one to clap in my hands and to sing Hey HO. The atmosphere was cold, like if I would be in the middle of beautiful vampires.

Slowly during the night, the atmosphere became warmer, two people dared to dance, I did not.

Hanging at the bar, there was a guy, all dressed up in the Oriental
classical abaya and ghutra.

He was the only one dressed like that. Girls were wearing sexy short skirts and guys blue jeans for most of them. They looked Indians, Asian, English, Americans, Arabic, etc.
So there was this man, standing at the bar. He looked nice, well in his skin, he was handsome, In his thirties or maybe older.

I could not resist to talk with him when waiting for my cocktail. I told him, oh you are brave, you are really keeping your identity here. He was working for an Arabic government in the oil department. Was coming back from work, did not have time to change his clothes. He made me laugh. He was drinking beer directly at the bottle.
He joined me later on at my table, but we did not talk that much because of the music.

I was feeling relax, singing, and listening to this Scottish band singing HEY HO HEY HO. So what made me feel great at that time? Free cocktails? This Arabic guy dressed in the Saudi traditional style in the middle of this Western crowd? This excellent band singing the song from the Lumineers?



I always have in mind to retire for my old days in Ireland, mostly for the bars.
I like UK for this reason, I like people singing in bars.

Unfortunately last night, the people were cold and not singing enough, in Scotland or Ireland the atmosphere would have been better.
But well, sometimes I do feel great, and in fact I do not know why. This perfect bliss moment.
Happiness is often linked to a feeling of forgetting about the body, about the ego, and just to let go, to relax. In the music, in the moment.
I can feel that way as well, in thermal water, in jacuzzis, with bubbles massaging me.

Of course I can feel that perfect bliss moment with a lover. But this perfect moment is often shadowed by moments of doubts, of anxiety of being hooked on the wrong person, or to be hooked on someone not willing to go on with a relation so it means, you will have to find another one, and it is not that easy sometimes, to find complicity, laugh, and chemistry in our sexual life. You can find someone else, not fulfilling as much as you were used to, your sensuality.

So the perfect moment of bliss connected to love and sexuality is often linked to the problem you have of the desire to repeat this moment. Krishnamurti wrote that suffering was linked to the fact you want to repeat the pleasure.

However, maybe one day, happiness will happen when spending a few minutes time with a machine. And maybe you will even be able to repeat the pleasure as much as you want, without any after effects.

Will it be good or bad at the end? I do not know. Do we need the feeling of suffering in our life? Do we need as well to suffer to be able to grow spiritually, to think about our lives, about the mistakes we could have done…

Do we need gravity and seriousness? Do we need nostalgia?
Do we need this feeling of loneliness? Do we need anxiety and fear?

To be happy or unhappy? To be a human, with an all pallet of feelings, all kind of colors inside. White, black, dark, light, red, blue, all kind of colors inside, outside.


Brands I was talking about.

Smaxel Seoul Korea, for laser fractional Co2, dsmed at or dsmed at, they even have the laser to make vaginas being tighter. It amazed me. I tried it for scars, it seems to work even if I did not try other type of lasers for scars, so I cannot compare. They also did it for wrinkles close to the eyes, it was very light, not painful at all.

Laser Vaginal rejuvenation Ultra pulse CO2 laser. Urinary incontinence. Etc. I never had kids so I do not have a lot of problems, but who knows, in some years I might need it in my older days. Good to know it exists.
South Korea seems to be very efficient for medical machines.

The machines to relax the muscles, it is the shock wave therapy Rosetta, Remed in Seoul. I tried it.

There is another one the same, kind it is extracorporal magnetic stimulation (EMS)
The machine was called BioCon/ 1000 pro technology
They also have the biofeedback system, urodynamic system, etc. wschoi at

For the lungs problems, this machine for people suffering from asthma, or diffents kind of problems, did not try it, it is called Careway high frequency chest wall oscillator Lisa Jeong hmjeong at korust dot com

For ashtma, had interesting stuff. Germany.

The machine for incontinence, pelvic pain, prostatitis, erectile dysfunction, vaginal tonus, orgasm problems, hemorrohoids and prevention of hip fractures, that I did not have the pleasure to try, was called Neo control, pelvic floor rehabilitation therapy. Munchen Germany it is a new technology called extracorporeal magnetic innervations.

The machine which seemed to have been me euphoric was called TAMAS. Electro magnetic stimulator a proven non drug treatment for depression. The indication is obsessive compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, anxiety, tinnitus, hallucination, insomnia, headache, panic, epilepsy (they seemed pretty enthusiastic about their results for epilepsy), facial palsy, multiple sclerosis, stroke, Parkinson disease, and in fact for autism as well as they told me but it is not written.

It is the same branch that had the Rosetta for muscles. CRT technology, Seoul Korea.
Fax 82 24 18 09 86 this machine costs around 20 000 USD or maybe more.

Gnap Gnap

About darkness

If you tell people you had witnessed angels full of light, joy and no judgment in a beautiful white storm, and listened to the choir of angels and the crystal bells, this Disney vision will make you lose credibility in your professional life, in your life generally speaking for a lot of reasons. Some of the reasons could be some religious conflicts but some other reasons could be that you would sound like a very naive person, not really trustable anymore.

On the contrary, if you tell a story in which you had been with a friend in your living room, and that suddenly a black shadow full of hate and smelling awful, sent an ectoplasm of anger on your face, and started to strangle your friend, most of the people would be scared, and a lot would believe you.

The reason could be the planet earth being on low frequencies. We are much closer to the lower energy level than to the high energy level.

For a long time, I did not believe in the black light, in evil. For me darkness was just an absence of light. However, at that time, I had never met what I would call the black light, which like a black hole seems to have the power to stay dark in the light and even to in a certain way swallow the light.

There is a mathematic law which always fascinated me. Two positives make a positive    + + += +

But if you add a positive with a negative the negative will make the result being negative so    + + – = –

And on the other side two negatives make a positive which is nearly like a miracle if you think about it so   – + – = +

I never read this anywhere being applied on the psychological level or spiritual level of our lives, if a thinker takes it in a book after having read this blog, so I would be happy about it as nobody never speaks about it, when it seems important to me to think about it and to think about it in our love, friendly and professional life.

How many times last year did I feel guilty about not being able to reverse a situation? So often. I would always try and try, to reverse a negative situation into a positive one, but what happened inevitably was me becoming negative, being trapped in a negative situation. It happened in my professional, friendly and love life.

That is why it is so difficult to know how to handle a war. You can handle a war, with peace and love words, but in front of you the negativity will not only laugh at you but will quite inevitably hurt you. But if you arrive with a bomb, and you tell them, Ok I shut you down if you do not calm down, so they might surrender and even maybe respect you as you would be the strongest one.

To shut on someone or to threaten someone of a bomb, is for sure negative, but to arrive with you hippy suit saying oh guys, why don’t you just calm down and why don’t we just love each other does not seem to work that much. Tibet is the perfect example of it.

The Dalai Lama from over the border is able to act for his people.However the monks got tortured in the most horrific possible ways, and 90% of Lhassa has been erased from the map. I have witnessed it and it made me think a lot about the power of love and no army, in front of adversity. Tibet has been erased from the map. And the sad story is that the ones who started to kill the monks and to attack Tibet were in fact the English soldiers, opening the door to violence in 1905, showing the wrong model in Asia.

Queen Victoria attacked China during the 19th century to get more opium as all UK had been completely addicted to many kind of drugs, and the Emperor of China wrote her a nice letter to inform her about the danger of opium and drugs for her people without success.

To stop a war most of the times, you have to come reluctantly, but inevitably with stronger weapons and armies. Negativity respects negativity. And it could turn by a kind of weird mathematical miracle into a positive situation most of the time called a peace.

It is as well a little like the AA works and all the association regrouping people with the same issues, talking about it, and being able to help each others.

If you have never been into any addiction, it is very difficult for you to understand someone being an addict.  Or the spectacle of someone you love destroying itself will make you think about your own addiction and to take the decision to stop it.

On the other way, you as a positive entity in a situation will become more and more negative confronted to a negative situation. You will feel guilty about it. But it is what negativity wants you to become, the negativity wants you to become negative. And in most of the case will succeed very well.

The only way you can face negativity without becoming negative yourself is to step back from the situation, but if you stay too close for sure you will become negative.

Like the purple smurf, in the original French version, it is called the Gnap gnap Smurf and it is dark and not purple, and so little by little all the Smurfs become dark and they have to find the source of darkness in this case a bee, a dark bee, to prepare a vaccination. It is as well, the way vaccination had been invented, a negative fighting another negative and making at the end a protection against a disease.

Antibiotics kill bacteria. It is a negative fighting another negative to fight a disease.

So in 2014 I felt guilty of not having been able to transform a negative situation into a positive one, and it had been like this, the years before.

Not only once, I have been able to reverse a negative situation into a positive. It made me feel guilty, as I tried, but it is maybe the way it is.

A positive cannot make a negative becoming positive. But will inevitably become negative itself. So the best is to step back from the situation. What the darkness wants is you to hate. The darkness will do everything for you to hate. The darkness at the start could make you love, but only in the goal, even not consciously, to make you hate.

The darkness hates love, is not interested in loving or being loved. The darkness just wants you to hate. And will put in place everything possible to make you hate.

In the French language, darkness is a feminine word, when dark is a masculine one. La noirceur, le noir. Dark, darkness, feminine, masculine, whatever it is, it just wants you to hate.

What will put in place darkness for you to hate? Violence, calumny, defamation, betrayal, cheating, lies, mental manipulation, etc. etc.

In the Christianity we would say that God is the truth and the devil is lies. In some Satanist sects, they would teach you how to divide with lies, how to gain power and to climb the stairs of power using defamation and calumny in your workplace, to climb up the stairs of power.

Darkness to not spread and becoming stronger needs to be put a limit of, and a solid frame to prevent other people being hurt by this negative energy.

If inside a relation, you are the one being sober, and the other one is drinking, and is becoming violent and aggressive when drinking, so you can see yourself as the positive element if your goal is to help, peace and harmony.

If inside a relation the other one is hooked on drugs making him or her violent and aggressive toward peaceful people, you included, so you can see yourself as the positive element in the situation. If your goal in a relation of any kind is peace, love and harmony but the other one, is being abusive and violent, so you can see yourself as the positive element.

However, there are different kinds of negativity. If someone is in love with you and you are responsible for the situation, and you react by not answering any friendly messages or not helping this person to get over you, so you are acting as the negative element in the situation.

On the contrary, to answer kindly, to be supportive and communicative, will help the other one to forget faster. The silence will make this person thinking you are angry or mad for something, or even dead somewhere. So a simple silence in some cases can be a terrible weapon against someone, and can lead to aggressivity and violence on the other part.

As to cheat on someone does not always mean you are the negative person and the other one the positive in a couple.

But in a couple if one is in a compulsive behavior of cheating when the other one is faithful, even this does not make the one cheating being the negative element, if for example his DNA has a dozen of generations of men living in harem, a time when the wives had to be faithful and the men could have several wives. It can be as well, that his or her partner is not as sexual as she or he is.

So it is quite subtile when someone is being positive and negative. If a man comes back home and surprised his wife naked in bed with a man, it does not make her the negative element, but if he breaks a vase in the bedroom, and if the wife makes him feel guilty and complains everywhere about her husband being violent and breaking a vase and adding that he broke much more than that when it is not true, without explaining the all situation, it makes her at that time being the negative element in the situation as the most manipulative one.

If her husband surprised her in bed with another man, a reaction of anger is acceptable.

So it is within our heart, and our soul for each of us, to think, when have I been the negative element knowing that people suffering from mental illness, are no more able sometimes to think quietly about them being positive or negative. Even on medication, they are often no more able to think about being positive and negative.

I worked in psychiatry, and saw calm and peaceful people under medication who could kill someone without their medication, just because of the brain chemistry. It made me think a lot about the concept of guiltiness.

Same if someone suffered from being neglected or abuse in childhood, the consequences might be to become border line, schizophrenic, addicted to drugs or alcohol, suffering from stress post traumatic disorder, and in a lot of cases abusive, manipulative and violent.

Does it make this person being guilty? A negative element but not a guilty element. When are we negative, and when are we guilty? Vast topic…

18th of February

I am reading again this blog article that I wrote the 7th of February.

So in fact, if a negative is making me becoming negative, do I turn into a negative to make the situation becoming positive at the end? Is it the only way?

In the Smurf story, at the end, all the smurfs become black, even the old Smurf, so the situation seems hopeless, but then a bomb full of the healing pollen explodes and heals all the smurfs. It means a coincidence, linked to a kind of divine intervention solves the situation.

Can the divine intervention turn a negative in a positive? It reminds me a long time ago, having for the first time observed this black light on a man’s head.

I did not talk, did not say a word, projected a white light on him, on his head, and asked the angels to protect me. And it worked in fact, he left the room, it was the evening. The morning he came back, and told me that I should be dead, that I had protections around me. That he could not hurt me.

I never really tried to know more about this as the all situation was so freaky making me think of the film Shining, and I really do not enjoy at all horror movies. Never watch them.

It was creepy because this man did not do anything to harm me, I just saw his face being transformed, and the black light spreading on him, we did not talk, we did not say a word. None of us.

I just covered him with my thoughts with a white light, and asked for the protection.

He just left, without a word.

To be followed maybe or maybe not in the next article about this time Gargamel, about black magic. If I have the energy for this. Not that sure. Do not like to talk about it. To think about it.


I started the year and ending the past one, with a fantastic book,  Expecting Adam from Martha Beck. I was lucky enough to see angels with a friend a long time ago, he was very down to earth. We had not taken any drugs, were not thinking about angels,  were not even interested in angels. Why us? Why had we the right to this fabulous access?

We were no saints. It was the early morning. Why us? What did we do right in our lives to see angels, to hear the famous crystal bells, the choir of angels, the light, joy and love like a powerful white storm full of those messengers acting like a commando of angels in mission?

Well, my aunt was epileptic and a little autistic, and we would take care of her with a lots of love, she had lived with us one year, and my friend was an angel toward her. He had himself sometimes tetany seizures, and so could understand her.

He could see the electricity above her head before the crisis would happen, she could fall sometimes a few times a day. He was looking like an angel beside that, had long blond hair, curly, blue eyes, but he was far not an angel, quite naughty. He assumed every body could see the electricity on her head before the epilepsy would hit. I never saw it before, and he was surprised about the fact I would not be able to observe it around her head.

He assumed every body could see this electricity. Epilepsy in fact is too much electricity in the brain, so this electricity exists but nobody can see it.

So why us? When we met the first weeks, I remember we were at the movie theatre, and he would tell me that if we would marry and if I would be pregnant of a down syndrome baby, we would keep the child, that he loved down syndrome kids. I was astonished as I love down syndrome people. For me they are superior to us on a lot of aspects. I like to take care of them, and found a job where sometimes I can. A world without down syndrome people would seem sad to me. So what did I did right to see angels and my friend too? It seems our open heart for down syndrome people could be the link. I am not sure of that.

When we saw angels, it was between my parents funerals (I talk about it in a previous article the Art of simplicity). I took care when I was very young of a teenager down syndrome girl in London and when I came back, I met my father in Paris.  

I told him that I wanted to study this, special needs, this field, I wanted to do this in my life instead of going on with laws. We were in his high-class private club, and he looked at me very coldly, telling me that I would never had a career. He was right in a certain way, but he would have reacted thinking how lucky he was to have a sensitive daughter, and taking time to listen to me, to understand me, so I might have done something to please him on a University level, but he was just interested about my salary, about prestige.
I never took drugs, never drank alcohol, I was really a nice kid I think, so the bad thing I was doing was to want to study special needs.

My aunt was for me somehow my real mother, she was my link with  pure love, with purity.
I had been lucky to have her in my life in my early childhood, if I was a healthy clean person, it was a lot because of her. I felt more well-balanced and happier when she was alive. I felt lost when she died. So, maybe my friend and me, did something right after all, we liked down syndrome children and we took good care of my aunt.

Maybe that was what the angels liked in us. This book from Martha Beck is all about this, about a brilliant girl from Harvard, expecting a down syndrome child and not believing in angels being mostly atheist but surrounded by them.

When I was reading this book, I was feeling nearly protected. Could not leave it. I started to read it in a lovely house in Bahrain in the middle of palm trees and gardens, just in front of the Country club. In this country club there was a zoo open to public for free. I started to read this book, and the same day, discovered a few meters from this house this mysterious zoo.

I visited the stalls of the horses  the 30th of December, I asked them what they were doing for NYE in the old Irish bar, they answered me nothing, which was good news, as it was open but without anything fancy or expensive, just a normal bar for NYE.

I discovered the horses by chance trying to discover this club by myself. Close to the stalls, some goats, reindeer and parrots.

A guy taking care of the horses, told me to open a door at the end of the stalls. On the other side was a garden, with much more animals from all over the world.
A zoo just for me that day.

For the 31st of December in the lobby of a fancy hotel where I would just hang out for internet, I met a very fat man, I was still reading the book, he asked me to follow him for lunch, took me in a poor building, made me eat a very delicious food cooked by some friends of him, and started to sing beautifully songs on a karaoke. The book still in my bag. There was a sensation of grace and purity.

The next day I was reading the book in the lobby of an other hotel and there was a man calling girls to invite them for a drink. He was very shiny, like a little sun. He ended up inviting me for a drink. And after in his house just in front of the hotel. It was like meeting an old friend. I ended up reading the book in his flat. And when I closed the book, when I finished the last page, the magical had gone away from my life.

This strange feeling of protection. Things went back to normal. Without magic anymore in my life. I intend to read a lot of others Martha Beck books, discovered her website. Adam was somehow protecting me when I was reading the book, I could nearly feel  his sweet presence. You can read the first pages of this book on this website by clicking on the photo

Pretty girls

When I was living in UK, I was often amazed by the prettiness of those topless girls on the page 3 of newspapers like the Sun,  by the perfection of their boobs, of their skin, their angel face.

I could not really see a difference between them all.

If I would have been a classical hetero man, any of those women would have been Christmas for me.
I do not feel attracted with women but I can admire their beauty even if on my side it is not sexual which I regret. To be bisexual might be great, to be able to warm up with a woman, to forget about men with a woman, to not always have to count on guys might be really pleasant.

However, as heterosexual, I can count only on a man to make me forget about another man. And it is like an endless circle as men are men. You always wish to have found someone different but at the end a man is man, and you have to deal with it.

I am exploring a new country and in this country I find so many women incredibly pretty. I could not tell the difference between this one or this one between all those beauties. They all have very long beautiful hair, beautiful face, beautiful legs, beautiful smile.
I could not tell the difference between them all. They are all the same to me, representing grace and sensuality.

On an other hand, I did not notice one single man for his special beauty or seduction. So I had not been really tempted. The only one I met, might have tried a little to make a step on my side, but I did not take the opportunity as he was married.

But if I would be a man, how many women would have tried to seduce during those last 3 weeks? How many would I have maybe succeeded to bed? How could I have not become a little disturbed?

Men are unfaithful because so many women are beautiful.
And the worse is that those girls are often as beautiful inside as outside. Being romantic, sensitive, easily hurt, easily attached, easily emotional, easily possessive and jealous, as so easily dependant on the man they fall in love with so easily. Women are from Venus, beauty and love.

On the opposite those men from Mars, are warriors. Had always been warriors for thousands of years. Having to defend their tribes, their families, having to hunt, having to kill, having to be tough to survive on the battle fields, having always to dominate their fears, to control their desire, tempers.
Now they are often just stuck on some violent video games. They are lost.
Their ability to fight is often badly seen.
Even if not a long time ago, and still today in some countries, a fighter could save your life (or destroy it).

So here I am. Not understanding how men could possibly be faithful especially when they have 10 times more testosterone than women. A woman level of testosterone the hormone of sexual desire and aggressiveness climb at a maximum of 300 when it is 3000 for a young man. On the top women have female hormones that men don’t have at all. Those female hormones influence on their mood, making them so emotional and sensitive.

You will tell me about  this or this woman being interested in money, security, etc.

I do not deny that those women exist but I never meet them.

I had a dog 3 years ago, I loved that dog. He was important in my life. He was my little companion following me everywhere, sharing my days, my travels, in a little blue bag that he enjoyed so much. At that time, I could take the plane 3 times a day with him, and he would always be happy, in a good mood, relax. Satisfied to share my life. Loving the different hotel rooms. And easily bored when we would stay too long in the same place. I hated to have to leave him behind me, however I was always lucky to find loving people to take good care of him. When he died he was already 8 years old so he might have been dead today anyway.

When I had to leave my dog somewhere, the paid people in charge or my devoted friends volunteering to help me, would always tell me how much my dog would miss me.

I always answered them, Oh no, my dog is like my lovers, pathologically unfaithful. My dog will forget about me quickly, will jump happily on someone else knees, will show as much love for any nice stranger than for myself.

And it was true. My dog would forget about me so easily that some people in charge assumed that I was not treating him well. I do not think it was the case. My dog was an easy catch. He loved easily. Jumping joyfully on any postman passing by.

Some dogs bite, mine was just crazy happy for any new face he could meet on his way. Some people do have depressed dogs, dependant on them and only on them, having only one master. Never had this kind of dogs. My dogs had always been over extrovert with total strangers.

However when my dog died, he came to visit me instantly, explaining me about his death, sending me all his love. Nobody had informed me about his death. I did not know why he was coming to visit me, assumed it was an extra body experience.

I nearly took him in my arms, nearly cuddled him, and cried, asking him to forgive me to have left him at this place, promising him to come back urgently as he was sending me freaky images that I could not understand clearly and in the same time sending me all his joyful tenderness, he seemed so happy to see me again, to be able to visit me. I told him how much I loved him and missed him.

When I had been informed that he passed away that same night he visited me,  I realized how much my dog had always been faithful to me, had always loved me, much deeper than I thought and that at least I was important to him.

To be followed maybe or maybe not as my ideas on the topic are pretty confused.


I don’t know exactly why but this little girl from Irak popped in my mind after having read this article a last time.

I was visiting her parents two years ago, her father had been Captain in the army of Saddam Hussein which has nothing to do with the subject but well, it was the case, could not believe such a sweet man could have had this kind of activities in his past, mystery of life.

She was lovely and was around 6 years old. Her father was my landlord and so she was my little neighbor, living in the same building.

Since the very first time I came in her house, she would tell me; I love you, I love you

It was really weird as later on I would bring her some games and toys but at that time, I really did not know her at all.

So I asked her, kidding her a little; but how can you love so much somebody you do not know at all, maybe I am not so nice after all.

She looked at me as if I was a total moron, and answered me back coldly; I always love beautiful people.

Well I do not pretend to be beautiful for real, but in her eyes I guess I was.

And  maybe it is what it is all about at the end.

We  easily love beautiful people.

The big bad wolf

Written on my Facebook page the 8th of July 2014.

Was not sure about this article, but at the end, I put it.


Little Red Riding Hood Costume For Adults

I forgot about the sex bomb of the 6th of June last year (cf blog)

The sex bomb trapped me tonight with a job proposal.

When I saw him, I could not believe it even if I guessed it somehow somewhere in my subconscious mind.

Instead of going to the appointment, I made him come.

So he took a funicular and the boat, to join me.
I thought to myself, this is weird this boss accepting to take the boat but well.

I spent the entire evening resisting to the big bad wolf.
A nightmare on a certain point of view.
Good for my ego on the other hand.

We drunk a beer, and I walked him back to the boat as chaste as a veiled nun.
Not even a kiss.

The government or the church, whatever, should give sometimes some gold medals, rewards, even money why not, hotel rooms paid, free meals at the restaurants, to the women like me, having enough morality in their life to resist to happy married men.

I would ask for a little cruise, or at least a hammam and a massage. Hairdresser. Spa.
I would deserve a little present in a perfect world.
The society always blames the mistresses but does not reward the women putting married men back on their tracks.
Resisting to them.

For god’s sake. I deserve something tonight.

1969 the erotic year, but what else?

Written from the 25th of April until the 16 h of May 2014


When the harems were existing, or when men could have a few wives (they still can today in some countries), they were responsible for their wives who were not making money, so they paid for the house, for the food, and contraception was  usually forbidden so they had to take care of a lot of kids as well.

At that time, religion was very powerful, so oral sex and any kind of sexual fantasies were forbidden not only in the Muslim world but in the Christian world too.

The purpose of sex was procreation. The women quite often forced into marriage without the power to choose their husband or to take time to know him before, were helped by the religions to avoid any kind of sexual performances, too demanding for a girl not really in love, having to marry at a very young age, sometimes a very old man.

In exchange for this responsibility to take care of a woman and her children entirely, men were asking their wife for faithfulness, to not have to raise other men’s children mainly. There were no DNA tests.

In a time where contraception, medical tests for sexual diseases and antibiotics were not existing, women were asked to be virgin before the marriage and sometimes in some religions (Christianity) men as well were asked to be virgin and still are today in some part of the world (some orthodox Christians in Egypt for example, where a lot of men stay virgin until 30 years old even today, until they find a wife or some Muslims too).

To avoid sexual diseases,  for a good health inside the couple, and children’s safety, it was the best option, the virginity for both men and women, and faithfulness between husband and wife.

I have to say that my grand parents who were protestant, living in Switzerland, married being both virgin a little less than one hundred years ago, stayed faithful to each others all their lives, and were the happiest couple I have met.

It was at that time the normality in the Western world. For both of them as well, masturbation was a sin and they would forbid their children to practice it, checking the smell on their hands at night in bed. It was called, the bad habit. Not a long time before, if some women were masturbating, it was considered as a hysterical behavior and the clitoris could be cut off. Orgasm was considered as a weird kind of epileptic convulsion and was badly perceived in Europe.

In some African countries not even 50 years ago and maybe less,  it was a shame for a woman to show any kind of sexual pleasure during the sexual act with her husband. She had to stay straight and silent and her clitoris would often have been cut off to help in the process.

However some women seem to be able to feel some pleasure without a clitoris and some women with a clitoris can have difficulties enjoying the moment. Nevertheless, the goal for cutting off the clitoris is to keep the girl virgin and calm before and after the marriage.

Nowadays, contraception, medical treatments, tests, have brought with them, more freedom for women, more freedom for men as well. More freedom in the couple. Sexual majority had been voted in a lot of countries giving the right to young people to date even with adults without the parents having the right to forbid them anything related to their intimacy and allowing sexual exploration for teenagers.

In 1968 in France, starting in Amsterdam, young people took the power in society, refusing to be ruled by the elder,  asking for freedom and in the same time for more laicity (kind of secularism).

Rock and roll, the hippy movement, the creation of airlines companies and reasonable flight tickets, made them exploring the world and other religions with a special attraction for vegetarianism, yoga, tantra, shamanism, some new drugs like LSD (cocaine and morphine were allowed in the 19th centuries, example Sherlock Holmes so it was in fact nothing new), buddhism, new ways of thinking, etc.

In the same time through the developement of psychology, an innovative path for understanding ourselves and others emerged.  The biggest step was made in the sexual field. When the religions were forbidding masturbation, psychology and psychiatrists, on the contrary, sometimes encouraged it, or at least stop forbidding it. Sexuality became about exploration, understanding, and pushing the boundaries. (Jung and Freud, my favor movie 2011)

Homosexuality became better accepted but it was the case 2000 years ago when most of the Roman emperors were married with a man and a woman.  And for example in North America, the native Indians, not such a long time ago, were asking young boys to choose their sexual identity at 6 years old. The tribe would not make any fuss, if he would choose to be a little girl, a winkte; a two-souls person. The winktes were in a certain way married to some hetero men of the tribe, who could marry women and winktes.

Anthropology, sociology  helped on their side for this global exploration plus all the medias; libraries, movies, documentaries, television, and internet at the end of the last century.

One hundred years ago, in Europe, if a woman wished to not get married, she was taking risks. To become an artist, she was taking risks. Camille Claudel, a very famous French woman sculptor was sent to the mental health asylum by her very famous brother writer, We still have the letters she wrote during those endless years, and we can see how clever and well-balanced she was. A woman who was not willing to obey to the society in France, was sent to the convent or to the mental asylum.  Camille Claudel died on 19 October 1943, after having lived 30 years in the asylum.

However as weird as it can seem, during my first trip in Saudi Arabia in 2010, I was astonished by my mixed feelings. Women could be stoned,  could be lashed. Last November 2013, a teacher was lashed at the University, 80 times, in front of her students, to not have accepted her husband’s second wife and to have started a light fight with her. The husband reacted strangely by taking back his first wife and breaking up with the future second spouse after his first wife had been lashed in public.

But even with all the terrible difficulties that Saudi women have to face, I was surprised to see myself nostalgic and thinking about what the Western women had lost.

Saudi women are more protected than Western women in a lot of aspects of their lives, they are considered as fragile little creatures, in need of their father or brothers’ protections, they are considered as sacred, their children too, and could count on the strong support of their mother, grand mothers, huge family to help them being respected in the society.

A nostalgia came over me, a weird one, observing those Saudi women, being in a certain way my ancestors, and the last trace of a certain way to be a woman. A way that seemed to have been lost for ever for a lot of women in the world.

Suddenly I started to think about my women friends in Europe, United States, Canada, and instead of thinking of them, as lucky, I started to think of them, as girls having to cope with a huge amount of stress in their life, for a lot of different reasons.

I was raised in France, and there the sexual majority (age of consent) had been decided at 15 years old like in all Europe nearly. 13 in Spain. 14 in Germany and Canada. 16 in UK and Switzerland.

I was sexually mature around eleven years and half. Was in love with a 20 years old I was meeting sometimes, I do not see the difference between me at that time and me today except I was much more passionate and sexual than I am today.

So for me those 3 years waiting for the sexual majority seemed endless.

This young man never kissed me, but the fact he did not have the right to do it, did not help in the process of course.

Even today sometimes,  I think that if I could have married him at 11 years old, I might have been the happiest girl in town and completely mature enough for it.

To be married to someone you find repulsive or to be raped, forced, is awful at any age, even at 80 years old.  Even if it can be more damaging at 11 years old.

I know a lot of women, for example in Europe who are living alone. For myself I love living alone, to live as a couple, I did it, and was faithful, 5 years here, two years there, etc. has always been difficult for me. I like the silence, my loneliness, and inside a couple you lose very fast this wonderful eroticism that you can share so well when you meet from time to time.

When you do not see each other too much, the routine does not affect your erotic bond. But as soon as you share life on a daily basis, the quality time is affected by the mediocrity of our existence.

I am not frustrated because the men I lived with always wanted to commit more, but I know so many women, who had long-term relations with a man, being in love, faithful, waiting for him to be ready to get married, to have kids, and who are just at over 40 years old too old for this, or too fragile, taking sleeping pills, Prozac, and suffering a lot from loneliness. No parents, no brothers, no sisters to protect them. They are supposed to be strong, to make money, and to live by themselves, they are supposed to find a man who wants to marry them by themselves. But where? In nightclubs? By dressing up sexy? Is it really the best way to find a husband? On internet? On dating site? Where most of the men search for casual sex and have sometimes so many mistresses they can’t even count them.

The worse is this duty to perform on a sexual level, to be judged all the time. It is tough for women but for men as well. Not all men have a big dick and even if they have a big dick, do they really want to be loved for their big dick? When soon or later, they might lose their erection anyway.

Not everyone is good in bed. Not everyone feels Ok being judged on a sexual level; He is a good shot, she is hot, she is not hot, he has a small one. It can be exhausting.


3 years ago, for the first time in my life, I asked my brother to host me, it was one month there, two months here. For myself, I know that to have my brother staying in my house, would be one of the best present life could give me, and he could stay one year without me noticing, I helped him enough on my side to feel comfortable asking for a little help in return and I was really feeling happy about this opportunity to spend more time with him as I was living abroad. But to stay in my brother’s house even if he is single was not an option at all. It was not a big deal, but if I would be a conservative Muslim woman so my family would be there for me until I die.  In the Western world, brothers and sisters for most of them barely know each others, meet once a year and sometimes less than this and even for most of them, do not appreciate each others, being like strangers.

Same if I would be a mother, I could certainly go and live with my kids in a Muslim country. Something that is completely nearly impossible in the Western World when most of the mothers, grand mothers, are rarely visited, put in retirement houses, have no power in the family, even if they had been devoted mothers, grand mothers.

There is no respect for the elders right now in the Western world.

When on the other hand in Saudi, I was amazed to see how the grand mothers and mothers could have a huge power inside the families. All being highly respected. Those women have no right or very little rights on the paper but in real life, they do have sometimes more rights than a Western woman.

Of course some Saudi women are struggling, are heavily unhappy, but I could not say  it is the majority far from it. The unhappy women I met in Saudi were the ladies maids from abroad but it is another topic. And not for all of them either. Some are lucky, some are not.

I am the first generation of women, since women exist on earth to be able to travel by myself, to work by myself, to marry or not, to commit or not, to have lovers or not, to have kids or not.

Of course it is not that simple, as there is a destiny. Sometimes, the person you would like to share your life with, is not on the same vibration, or not at the same time as you. So the fact to be single or not single, is not all the time 100% a personal decision.

But however, a lot of women are single, do not have kids, not only in the Western world, sometimes in the Arabic world too. As long as it is their personal choice, it is fine.

For my part, I feel lucky with my life. Even if sometimes, I have the feeling, we do not control our lives, what we can control a little is the way we accept or not the events in our life. The way we decide to keep the joy and our ability to love and be loved, to just honor life and what has been given to us. To just accept our existence.

So 1969, erotic year, yes. In France. But nearly 50 years after, things are still not that simple.

The sexual liberation, the art of taming freedom, is sometimes a difficulty, a challenge and women can be left very lonely, facing depression as emotional, sensitive human beings, in need of protection, something the sexual freedom often does not offer.

In Canada for example, you can get an abortion without scheduling it, very easily for 300 dollars. I met a girl who lived for 3 years with her boyfriend. They were both looking like models in their early twenties. This girl was against the pills, he was against condoms. So they went in the natural way, means she opted for an abortion a year. To be aborted from the child of a man you are deeply in love can be incredibly violent.

In some Muslim countries and elsewhere as well, to have sex with her, he would have had first to get married and could not have refused the child.

What I found violent was that the abortion was completely perceived as not a big deal, when I could see how this girl and even this man, were mentally destroyed by this freedom that had been given to them, to act as they wanted, without the parents or grand parents in their life to put any kind of  boundaries.

For myself at a young age, I was living in a couple already, and did not wish to have kids or to get married, and was taking  contraception, happy to have it. But my partner seemed traumatized when I left him, telling me he planned to get married with me. Which surprised me as I did not plan it at all on my side. Happy to have my freedom back and to explore the world. I was faithful to him and he was not as much as me, so I did not feel guilty to leave the situation. But still even now, he tells me that he suffered so much from the separation, that it was hell for him to recover, he married shortly after this and is still married today for a long time now.

So yes, we do live our freedom, but the heart is there, and the heart is the heart, and the soul is the soul, and we are at the end all very fragile.

Sometimes this new freedom, we just do not know how to handle it.

And the loneliness that can come along as well, we do not know so well how to handle it. As we do not know how to handle a life without the traditional conservative religions, that had been created to protect us, to give us some boundaries.

Before antibiotics were discovered, sexual diseases were perceived as Satan as it was giving so much sufferings in exchange of a little pleasure, it was not curable, and is still  not in a lot of countries.

One hundred years ago, the cause of death for one woman on 2 in Europe was linked to pregnancy.

It could explain why in the classic literature, sex and death is so often linked, why the characters are so serious and taking love so seriously. At that time love was a serious matter.

And why it seems lighter today. Even if at the end, thousands of years of life experience, cannot be erased from our DNA so fast and for this reason, love will be an important and sacred topic and sexuality too for a long time, even if very soon to have kids will no more be linked to sexuality. But it is another new adventure of the human beings that I will not write about now.