7th of January 2014
When my mother died, she was 55 years old, when the police called me to tell me that they found her body on a boat, all rotten, all black, and gave me all the details, I had been waiting next to the telephone for more than twelve hours, the all night, the all morning, the police called during the lunchtime, around 12.
A few weeks before, I had a terrible flu, a terrible fever, at that time I was living with a boyfriend, and he would come back every two hours in our studio to change my clothes, as I was too weak to change my clothes all wet by the fever by myself.
Last time I met my mother, she brought me flowers, but I could not really talk with her because of the fever. She told me good-bye, I could not really have any kind of energy for her, I was feeling so sick. She left a few days later to spend time in the South of France, by herself on a sailing boat, a little one, but she was not sailing, she was just going to stay on the harbor, relaxing, going to the beach. It was in August.
For a period of 10 days, I was seeing her all rotten, all black, at that time the mobile phone did not exist yet, so I could not call her, I was thinking of warning La capitainerie, to ask the master’s office of the harbour, to check on her, but did not dare to do it. I could smell her body nearly, it was stinking, it was terrible, she was all black, all rotten on this boat.
After 10 days, she called me. She was laughing, told me her arm had swollen, had been to the pharmacy a few hours before, they gave her a cream.
They did not detect the phlebitis. She was calling quickly from a cabin phone, I did not have time to tell her about my dream, I was so happy to hear her voice but told her that I was really anxious, that she should have called me before. It was summer time. She was in the mood to have fun.
My mother a few months before, confided in me, that to get old for her, was like climbing a mountain. And that it was starting to be high. During those ten days, I could hear her telling me, that it was high enough.
She died a few hours after having hung up the phone. A Sunday night.
The police found her one week after, and it was damned hot on this boat in August.
Two months before she had decided to stop drinking, and started the AA. The AA have this habit to make the people stop suddenly drinking alcohol. It is very bad for the heart, and she had drunk so much during so many years, at least 15 years, her heart was already damaged.
She also started to take hormones a few months before, it is very dangerous when you suffer from a heart disease.
So my mother died, and during one week, after she hung up the phone, I was smelling and seeing more and more clearly, her body black and rotten.
When the police told me about her body, and all the details, awful details, instead of making me sad, in a certain way, it was making me safe, like at least I was not crazy, like at least I was not losing it, that there was a reason for those terrible days before her death. For my anxiety, for my nightmares, for those visions.
It was the first time, I had a clear vision, I asked during those days when she was dead and I did not know about it, what was my date, my mother who was dead at that time, was telling me, well I could hear her telling me; 55 it is high enough for me. So I asked what would be my date. And I had a number coming on my mind. Of course I always thought this number was my age when I would die, and it was a young age.
But in fact, my death never came, so maybe it was the year of my death, but at that time, it appeared to me so far, so distant, like impossible. It means I might die very old, or it means I might die another moment and it was just nothing, or something I did not understand.
I do not feel the height so much, I do not have so much vertigo yet. I feel younger and younger. But last year, at this date, the 7th of January, nothing had happened to me yet, my life was very calm since quite a long time.
I had registered on a website called Couchsurfing the mid of December 2012, and for me, this website was for crazy people, and the women going on this website, crazy. Because they were going to sleep on the couch of people they did not know, I judged the all concept unbalanced and just nuts. But the thing is one week before I had to leave my flat suddenly, and it was impossible during Christmas holidays, to find another one or any hotel room available, so I started to surf on people’s couch I had never met before and all this for free. I was incredibly lucky since the first night. I just wanted to sleep somewhere, did not intend to live any kind of romance. I was received instantly by great hosts in great houses. It was very enthusiastic for me this new life, with so many new friends being so open-minded, so generous and so easily trusting others.
Around the 7th of January 2013, I was surfing in someone’s flat, and I was cold and distant with this handsome young man. He tried friendly to hug me in his kitchen, and it made me feel uncomfortable as I hated to hug, and never hugged anybody except my lovers and he was not a lover.
If the 7th of January last year, a psychic would have told me about 2013, about the year to come, about the weeks to come, I would have laughed, thinking he or she was a lunatic.
I have seen angels once, even if I was not believing in angels, after my mother’s death, one week after, I was with my boyfriend in the very small kind of loft, we were sharing at that time, we were never drinking or taking drugs, it was the early morning, we were not believing in angels, we were just sleeping and the angels came like the post office, like a commando of angels, to bring me a message, from my parents, as my father died going to my mother’s funeral in his car, he was not driving, it was a car accident.
So my parents sent me a message, I could hear and feel them clearly.
My boyfriend did not get the message but he saw everything I saw.
It was beautiful, and powerful, full of joy, full of non judgment, full of light and there was even an incredible sound like a choir of angels, with very high frequencies musical notes, with little crystal bells ringing softly. We both heard those sounds very clearly. I was blessed to be able to share this experience with someone else, to be able to talk about this moment afterwards. He had lived the same experience, even in the little details of it, which were not details, as everything at that moment was huge, fascinating, thrilling.
After that, I realized that angels were part of all religions nearly.
I never saw them again as well as that morning, but they stayed around. Never really left completely my life since.
For me, what you call destiny, or god, or angels, can make you experience jail, or prostitution, or poverty or wealth if they decide that you have to pass through the experience.
I don’t say it is the truth, but it is what I feel, if it is written that you will be in jail tonight, so you will be in jail tonight.
I had good friends prostitutes, they did not really have the choice, it was their destiny, it was written somehow since their childhood. One had been sold by her mother when she was 9. She was believing a lot in angels, was a very pure soul.
80% of the prostitutes in the world, have been forced into prostitution. And the others even if not forced, have a destiny, for example 90% of the prostitutes being a prostitute by their own will have been raped during childhood and in fifty percent of the cases by their father. Canadian statistics for women but as well for male prostitutes.
This year in 2013, I experienced freedom, more than ever, to be a free mind, a free spirit. But as well I met a lot of religious people, being Christians or Muslims, and all being against sexuality.
When the contraception was not existing, when the antibiotics were not existing, of course to have sex with someone was terribly risky and dangerous. Syphilis, and sexual diseases were all around and still are today. And to have a child without being married, was dangerous not only for the mother but as well for the child’s safety.
To marry being a virgin with a virgin, was nearly the only way, to have healthy children, and to be faithful nearly the only way to preserve this happiness.
Today, it has changed. Sex is no more as sacred than it was before.
But however, for me, it is still sacred.
It is still sacred moments.
It does not mean it has to be romantic, to be sacred. You can find sacrality in a garbage sometimes, it is just the way you look at your life.
A sacred moment is a diamond moment, you have to honor it.
However it is not that easy to live sacred moments, and to fly like a free bird, in the universe, to just flow, to just let go.
Respecting yourself and others, but as well respecting the moment.
I was nostalgic of 2013, thinking that I will never live this beautiful year again. I was not ready to let go.
But my first date of January 2013, the one after the desert, the cold swimming pool, proposed me to spend NYE with him a few days ago, maybe after having read this blog. Don’t know. I did not meet him since a little less than one year.
At first I was happy, and after I thought that I was not ready to live the suffering again, the pain again. Yes 2013, was a great year with great moments, but all the pain suddenly came back to me.
And I realized that I was able to live better than this, higher than this. That I was deserving as well better, it was time for me, to focus on other things in my life, to calm down, to not be afraid to be alone, to be lonely, that I had maybe to come back to my loneliness and to my roots, and to not be afraid of this.
I discovered last night, this music, this video I put at the start of this blog article. It is so short, so simple, just a guitar and a voice, and the video itself, is pure and simple. I have not been deeply moved, touched by a music as much since a long time, not having felt physically attracted with a singer as much since a very long time.
If you hear the kind of music this man wrote before, it is not bad at all, but it is more complicated, in this song, Berlin, he allows himself to a total form of simplicity. To connect with his soul. Berlin is a magic music, a magic moment of purity, and soul connection.
Before flying men could fly with just special clothes on them like today, we had to go to the moon. Before the first perfect hang-glider was built, we had first to know how to make planes and rockets.
Nothing in life is more complicated than simplicity.
It is a very simple book, simply written, but I thought when reading it, that to achieve this kind of simplicity was terribly complicated.
Simplicity is purity.
So I wish for myself for 2014, to just be simple, to just be direct, to just trace direct lines from myself to others, to not pretend, to not hide, to not fly higher than I can but not below either, to find my balance, to find the right altitude, the right words, the right moments, and to just simply honor life and others, without forgetting to respect myself, my desire, my wishes, my goals, my path.
Written in one shot in 30 minutes, I am French mother tongue, my English is not really great, feel free to send me your corrections.